Ok fine - you need to take a photo of yourself.

So, you need a photo of yourself and there’s absolutely no way you can hire a professional.

Here are some dos and don’ts:

DON’T take photos in shitty lighting.
Don’t try to take your photos when it’s dark.
DO NOT use a normal orangey light in your house to light your face. GTFO with that.

I took this first photo with my back to the window, why? I don’t know. Because I see people doing that shit all the time. (ok - If you have a “big camera” this will work with a certain look, but no with your phone).

So, what did I do? I turned around and faced the window - slightly diagonally, and BAM, immediately better. Pair that with a neutral background, and you’ve got an almost decent looking photo of yourself that could definitely be used for..something. An ID? A passport maybe?

Also, let’s talk angles.

Please don’t do this:

But, Ashley, why do you think someone would do something that looks so crazy?!

Well, because again, I see people do this shit all the time. (TINDER BOYS I SEE YOU).
Use an angle that is slightly above you or straight on. Don’t tuck your chin too much and don’t lift it too much.

And if you are lucky enough to snag one, get another human person to take your photo for you so your arm isn’t doing that selfie thing. Or use the new fancy schmancy portrait mode on the new iPhones.

AND WIPE YOUR LENS OFF BEFORE YOU TAKE A PHOTO YOU HEATHENS!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

…but you also need a professional headshots so…